When this woman is furious with her future MIL and in trouble with her fiancé's family, she asks Reddit: My fiancé (26m) and I (26f) have decided to not include his mother in our wedding for a number of reasons. Originally, he did not want her there (nor did I), but we agreed it would be too much drama to exclude her. She is a mom to two boys including my fiance, and has always had an inappropriate relationship with the two of them, though it is much worse with my fiancé. He is the younger one of the two, and she constantly talks about how she "doesn't want to lose her baby" and how she wishes she could have kept him a baby forever. Wont go into too much detail, but this resulted in her bullying me for the past nine years I've been with my fiancé. Once we announced our engagement and started sending out invitations, his mother was hysterical. She started begging him to call off the wedding, claiming she couldn't take it at her old age (she is 59) and that lots of young couples are choosing not to hold a wedding these days, we can't really be sure yet (we have been together for 9 years), it's a waste of money, etc. Things got even worse when we told her there would not be a mother/son dance and we didn't want her having a major role in the wedding. She threatened not to come because it would be embarrassing for her, but she still RSVP'd for our wedding once we explained that we would not be calling it off. What caused us to back down and remove her from the guest list though, was when she showed up to my bridal shower in her wedding dress. My mom had posted about my bridal shower on facebook with open invites, so anyone who was close with our family was able to come. Which was clearly a huge mistake. She had her wedding dress altered to be a bit shorter and fit her after her body changed a little. Most of the guest list was my family as there are not a lot of women in my fiancés family, but his mom's sister and a couple of his female cousins had shown up. My mom politely asked her to leave, to which she refused and said I was a brat for wanting to be the only woman in her sons life. I was not wanting a big scene so I let her stay. About an hour or so later, my fiancé came to drop me some flowers. It's a tradition in our family that the man (or whoever is having the bridal shower) surprises the bride with flowers at the shower. When he came in and saw his mother's outfit he was furious. He told her he was embarrassed to be her son and told her she was no longer welcome at our wedding. She got upset and blamed me for this, saying I brainwashed him and that he never would have said something like that if not for me. Surprisingly to us, his aunt sided with his mom and said it was nice that his mom even decided to come at all after we had taken away her mother son dance and asked her not to take a big role in the wedding. They both left, along with the cousins as his aunt was their ride. Hours later, his mom blocked me on facebook but posted saying that we embarrassed her and that he is putting her in an uncomfortable spot by kicking her out of the wedding and that she is very hurt. The aunt backed her up by saying we were abusive towards them and they advised the rest of their family to drop out of the wedding. Following this we got several emails from his family dropping from the wedding. We expected his aunt to drop out, but so did his dad, both sets of grandparents, his cousins, and his family friends. His brother stepped down from being best man and has told us that their family is telling him not to go at all. We could not believe how many people decided not to come. The wedding is only a month away and we've paid for all of their meals and bought centrepieces for their tables. We don't know how to salvage this further. TLDR: my mother in law wore her wedding dress to my bridal shower so we kicked her from our wedding. This resulted in a lot of family dropping off our guest list. togarsucks writes: Do exactly this. The reason they are going so nuclear and when you back down, it will excuse all her behavior. The wedding dress, the baby comments, all of it. Giving a fake apology and re-inviting her to the wedding will not be their only demand either. At best she will want to wear her dress to the wedding and get the dance. At worst she will demand the wedding be postponed or even called off entirely. Sounds like fiancé’s brother is still on your guy’s side, even if he is waffling. Ask him to inquire as to what would be needed to restore peace. If it’s anything more than an apology(which they don’t deserve) and re-invite that will be telling."My (26f) fiancé (26m) and I kicked his mom (59f) off our wedding guest list. Now we are being shunned by his family. How can we minimize the damage? AITA?"
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
This is a show of power on her part and it is important that she be shown she has none. Everyone in the situation is an adult and if they want each other in their lives someone has to agree to other’s terms.
You and fiancé’s terms are basic respect for you and no more pushing her emotional incest nonsense.
Mom’s terms are keep treating her adult son like a combination of a toddler and surrogate partner for herself and she is the priority over any romantic relationship he is a part of. If one side doesn’t agree to the other’s then there is no reason to be in contact.
completetumbleweed writes:
I'll double down on what most have said here. Up to you on whether to email your side or not though that's an interesting idea especially ending with sorry we will miss you or something.
Just continue with the wedding though. Let them be that way. I'm a 35 year old male and if my mother did that and my family dropped based entirely on her word without asking me my side I would ghost them anyway.
I say that to you having ghosted many of my family for treating my wife badly and refusing to apologize. So I know how he likely feels.
The thing is, if they did it based solely on her word they didn't even care enough to ask him and he is way better off. Be his family moving forward and he will be happier for it. I have been. You choose your family blood doesn't mean they get to treat you or yours like trash.
visiblesuit writes:
Look there's tons of stuff to stress about leading up to the big day, and your future MIL and her family should be the last one on your plate. It's been 9 years, she's 59, so another 20+ years of dealing with this? Why?
Talking about plates, I say start your marriage with one, a clean plate. Whoever doesn't show up, cut them off, and never be part of their lives, and vice versa. Holidays, family reunions, future babies, milestones, everything, and anything.
After your wedding, make a post about how sad it was that so many of his side of family were hit by an asteroid, to never be seen or heard from again. Then brag about the wedding, the honeymoon, and if you want to crank it up a notch that you both are planning on having a baby soon.
Drop the rope! Bullys only respect violence, crazy only respects crazy, and bat sh*t crazy only respects themselves, and everybody else is just NPCc in their life. Be a married couple, not a unhappy married couple in your MIL'S life.
If you are old enough to get married, then you should be old enough to put your big girl panties on, and put a full, and permanent stop to this. 9 years of trying to play nice with someone that has zero want, need, or desire to play nice has led to this point.
I hope you and your husband have a great wedding, a better honeymoon, and a wonderful MIL, and her flying monkeys free marriage.
devilluck writes:
I mean that’s their choice. I’d be like whatever. People who drop out like that do it because they want you to beg them to come back and tell them how terribly wrong you were and blah blah blah. When you just shrug and say “OK, cool.” they don’t know how to handle that!
I can’t believe all the people who think that there’s something suspicious here. Clearly, they have never dealt with mental family like that. That’s very typical of the drama queen, gossipy behavior that tends to run in these families with unhinged cuckoo for cocoa puffs people like that.
ETA: I will add that I do think it was a HUGE mistake for your fiancé to throw her out of your shower, and for you and your family to have said anything to her at all about her choice of clothing.
Yes, you and I both know exactly what she was doing and why. But you gave her exactly what she wanted!
If everyone had acted like she was wearing the most normal thing in the world and paid her no mind whatsoever, trust and believe you would’ve ruined her whole day because it wouldn’t have been the drama show that she was trying to provoke!
Instead, you gave her perfect setting to make a whole scene about herself and paint herself as the poor maligned victim. Walking up to her and saying “oh mother, what a lovely dress! Let’s take a selfie together!”
would have been faaaaaaabulous and I would’ve posted that picture all over the Internet from here to tomorrow just so the entire world could see her showing her own ass! That’s how you handle that kind of mother-in-law. How do I know? I had a stepmonster exactly like her.
Let her show up to these things and treat her if her behavior is perfectly and completely normal. Anybody who doesn’t suck is going to see her for the obnoxious cow she is. I mean why would you prevent her from showing her own ass like that? Don’t give her the brush to paint herself as a victim!
catiln writes:
Have your FH make his own FB post and/or a family wide email. Say something like this:
This is for my family who has all turned my back on me due to putting boundaries on my own mother’s abusive behavior. I want everyone to see exactly how we got to this place.
Nine years ago, I met the most amazing person I had ever come across. They talk about how you know when you meet your other half and everything just falls into place. That’s what happens when OP and started dating. I was absolutely smitten. She was beautiful, kind, smart. Everything you would hope for your children to find in a partner.
But not my mom, see she played nice for a bit and then her petty mean jealousy streak started pulsing. I tried to negate and defuse, I tried to just keep distance, my mother, decided I was her baby being ripped away from her and not a full grown man with autonomy.
She cried and begged for me to leave my FW., she insulted her at every turn. Not because it was warranted, but because my mother is mentally unwell with her enmeshment as if she owned me and my partner was taking that from her.
My partner is a good person. We waited 9 years to get married hoping time would allow my mother to come to terms. She didn’t and things got worse. She had a complete melt down when we told her we were engaged. She begged bribed and threatened to not go through with the wedding.
We are adults who want to build a life together. We want to me married. I honestly think this isn’t even about my partner. My mother would have done this with anyone ‘competing’ with her.
Now to the current events. Last Saturday, my beautiful bride to be had her wedding shower. My mother, and all her issues, were not formally invited but got wind of the event.
She had her wedding dress altered and showed up to the event wearing the dress and proudly hosted ‘you’re not the only woman in his life’ demanding to be the center of attention.
My bride was beside herself as her mother refused to leave. I happen to be on my way to surprise my bride with flowers only to walk in and see this mess. I hit my breaking point. I told my mom she was no longer invited to my wedding as I was afraid she would ruin the day for us there as well.
Well she has decided to do that anyways, spreading lies within my whole side of the family, playing the victim as if this wasn’t of her own making. My entire family has decided not to attend.
We have saved and saved for this big day to celebrate with our families and loved ones and they have all turned their backs on me because a mentally unwell person went on a rampage and forgot to mention her role in all of this. I am devastated. There is absolutely no coming back from this.
Thousands of dollars wasted. I will be alone with my bride and her family and a few friends we were able to invite. So family if you see this. I bit you a good life because you will not being seeing any more of me. I’m going to go on and built my own family. “
soma0 writes:
OP ... Given that there are so many people dropping out of the wedding, and the food for them is already paid for ... May I suggest that you salvage this by earning some particularly good luck for your marriage?
Please contact a homeless shelter, or charitable church, that is as close as possible to where you are having your reception.
Find out the policies and times of operations, and ask your caterers to pack up ALL extra food from the absence of those guests, and ask a couple of close friends to take a couple of minutes to deliver the food. Then have a special "thank you" gift for those who do this for you.
You might have to get containers from a discount store to properly move the food. Speak with your caterers about "to go" containers.
Then put a post up telling everyone that you will be doing this, and that if the guests who ARE coming would like to bring non-perisable food, to the wedding, you will be taking their kind donations, as well.
Turn your wedding from drama and nasty childishness ... into a charitable food drive that shows your thought and care for those less fortunate than you.
I understand that you need this extra work like you need another hole in your head, but I have always believed in "Live thine enemy. It drives them crazy".
Maybe you'd be doing it as a "screw you" to his mother and the stupid people backing her ... But doing something kind is doing something kind, whatever the reason.
Personally, I'd make this an opportunity to also celebrate your marriage as a moment when you pledged each other to yourselves ... but also took a hurtful thing and turned it into an act of compassion. Being able to make lemonade from lemons is a valuable skill, throughout your marriage.
I wish, for you, joy together and long lasting love. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
OP provides the following updates (with more info about her history with MIL):
Update 1:
It's different with her because she takes it much too far. my fiancé's brother is embarrassed to take his current girlfriend home because the first and only other girlfriend he's had was bullied by her so badly that she broke up with him.
when she found out that was the reason she broke up with him, she laughed and said her "plan worked". right in front of the entire family. she's also not hesitated to hit him and abuse him in his childhood.
it is not just a couple of jokes here and there, we went low contact with her and my fiancé was the one that requested to not have a mother son dance because the only reason he still talks to his mother is because if he cuts her off he will lose his relationship with his dad too.
she is canadian and it is even less normal in canada to do this. it was outwardly disrespectful and meant to be disrespectful. we literally have a law in place that allows any woman that isn't the bride who is wearing white to be splashed with red wine and tackled by the maid of honour. look it up if you're interested .
the only people at the shower who dropped out were the aunt and her two daughters. no one else was at the shower. the rest of the people who dropped out did so solely based on the post that his mom and aunt made (and she likely called the grandparents herself) which was just full of made up information.
we haven't responded to any of the emails from those who dropped out so they did not know our side of the story and only know what his mom and sister had said. the cousins that dropped out are also 12 & 15 so they don't have much choice if their mom isn't going.
his brother also told us that he is only stepping down as best man because his mom and dad told him to do so and he is living with them right now so he can't afford conflicts with them. we are assuming some people will change their mind once
they know our side of the story but we don't know how to respond quite yet which is why we decided to ask the internet here.
Update 2:
I also saw my MIL's facebook post off of a friends account as i was blocked, and she said that it was supposed to be a kind gesture and she didn't know it was in bad taste but that i berated her unforgivingly and had my family gang up on her as well.
(we just politely asked if she could go home and change and when she said she wasn't going to change we just asked her to please step out). we haven't responded with our side of the story yet so hopefully some people change their minds on canceling attendance once they see both sides.
as for the rest of your question, she has done quite a lot to make me feel picked on. for starters, when we first started dating, she kept commenting on my weight. i was never overweight, but she kept saying that she had never expected her son to be into "plus sized" women and that the world puts too much focus into body positivity.
she's told me straight up that she doesn't want us to have children because my genes should not be passed on (no disorders or anything, i just have a bigger nose due to ethnic backgrounds), and throughout the last several years she's held surprise parties for my...
fiancé and purposely "forgotten" to invite me, told me that i'm not a good girlfriend because im not feminine enough, and would constantly ask about my sex life with her son. we've gone low contact which made her more upset lately.
she has spread a lot of bad messages about me over the years, specifically about my cultural background (i'm middle eastern) and his family is white so his grandparents did have some dislike towards me already and make a lot of comments specifically about 9/11 and terrorism and things like that.
his brother did call us but we had our email on the rsvp papers and invites so it's mostly been emails. idk AITA?
What is YOUR take on OP's dilemma? Any advice for her?
Sources: Reddit
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